The Trials of Hermione Granger
by girliedragon
Summary: Complete, finished, and so on. Absurd little ramble. Needs reformatting badly, so go away for a bit.
1. The madness begins

A/N: All right, I admit it. I succumbed to the evil plot bunnies. Here's what I've been working on. Please don't hurt me. )

* * *

"Hermione," Ron said in a considerably strained voice, "there's something we need to talk to you about..."

Hermione looked up from the depths of her armchair and Hogwarts: A History, Revised. Harry and Ron were standing awkwardly in front of her, apparently fascinated by the floor. She sighed and put away the book. "What is it?"

Ron poked Harry.

Harry poked Ron.

This led to a confused interval where Hermione watched Harry and Ron jab each other furiously. Finally, Ron seemed to win, and Harry cleared his throat. "HermionewethinkitwouldbeagoodideaifyouwenttoHogsmeadewithDraco," he said as quickly as he could.

Obviously, the world had gone mad without Hermione noticing. She closed her eyes and willed herself back into reality.

"Hermione? What're you doing?"

"Are you still awake?"

Hermione opened her eyes. All right, so this was reality. She could deal with this. Hopefully.

"Harry Potter. Ron Weasley. You are asking me to go on a date with the bane of our collective existence. Am I hallucinating, or is that you?"

Harry began talking earnestly, taking off his glasses and wiping them with a corner of his shirt. "You know, he's been really all right since Voldemort found out that rabbit bites are fatal to evil overlords--"

"Yeah, that was really _weird_," Ron broke in.

"And he hasn't hurt anybody for weeks now, or called you the M-word, or anything really. In fact, he's sort of almost kind of not really our friend now!"

Hermione stared. Harry blushed. "It's not my fault Snape made us work together for Potions. He's really a decent guy now."

Ron picked up the argument. "And he likes you, he really does. You should see the way he looks at you when you're not watching him. It's really soppy, sort of like the looks Harry gives Ginny."

"I do not look like that!"

"Yes, you do! How would you know anyway?"

Hermione glared at them.

Ron swallowed visibly. "Hermione, have I told you that you really remind me of my mum when you do that?"

"At least a dozen times," Hermione snapped.

"Anyway," Harry interrupted, eager to forestall another argument, "we know he's been a bit of a prat in the past--"

Both Hermione and Ron coughed loudly.

"--all right, he's been a complete bastard, but he's changed now! Really!"

"And he's really hot!" Ron put in brightly.

There was a silence so thick you could have used it to brain Goyle. Ron blushed. "Ginny said it," he mumbled.

Hermione sighed. "All right. I'll go talk to him, then."

Harry and Ron punched each other on their arms and began whooping. Hermione filed it under 'Stupid Things Guys do to Express Victory.' Setting down her book, she quickly checked the Marauders' Map and headed off to the library.

Harry and Ron froze as the portrait clicked shut and the same thought occurred to both of them.

"Er, Ron..." Harry trailed off nervously.

Ron stared at him. "I know. She'll be furious, mate."

Dean, who'd been listening in on their conversation while beating Seamus rather badly at Exploding Snap, glanced up. "Why?"

Harry fell backwards into Hermione's vacated seat. "Well, Draco didn't exactly tell us to ask Hermione out for him, not in so many words..."

"We didn't say he did, we just sort of implied it. Maybe she'll let us off." Ron looked vaguely hopeful.

Dean grinned. "You're dead."


	2. Some sort of title here

Hermione found Draco easily; his distinctive hair was just visible over a pile of Transfiguration texts. Nervously, she adjusted her skirt and wished she'd changed into something slightly nicer. Oh well...if he didn't like her outfit, nothing lost, right?

Except all sense of dignity, pride, and self-worth...

She was just about to turn back when Draco glanced up. There was no escaping it now. Hermione took a deep breath and made her way over to the seat opposite Draco. "Malf—Draco," she began, then realized that she had no idea what to say that wouldn't sound utterly idiotic. Draco had set down his quill and was looking at her patiently, and she felt an unwarranted blush spreading across her cheeks. "I—well—I—yes," she explained coherently and, unable to meet his eyes, stared down at her hands. When she did look up, Draco looked distinctly puzzled.

"Er, Hermione...I'm terribly sorry, but if there was a prize for Most Confusing Girl in Hogwarts, it'd be sitting on your dresser. Mind explaining?"

"I'm saying yes, all right?" Hermione felt she could have won any number of prizes for Most Embarrassed Girl in Hogwarts at the moment.

"I got that part. Yes to what?"

"I don't know! Hogsmeade, or something!" Hermione yelped, her thoughts running around in her head like rabid Chihuahuas with dynamite strapped to their backs.

"Hogsmeade? You mean, on a date?"

"Of cou--" There was something wrong with this scenario...Hermione faltered. "Didn't you tell Harry and Ron…"

He frowned. "I haven't talked to them for ages. Why? What was I supposed to have told them?"

Hermione buried her burning face in her arms. So Harry and Ron had just been trying to set them up. And she had just humiliated herself beyond her wildest nightmares in front of Draco Malfoy.

"Hermione?" And said Draco Malfoy was being uncharacteristically nice, which was far worse than if he'd been nasty about it. At least she could have slapped him or something.

"Go away," she moaned in a muffled voice. "I'm trying to die quietly."

"That's the most coherent thing you've said yet. Will you please, please tell me what's going on and why you're trying to die and why I should have said something to Harry and Ron about Hogsmeade and—oh. OH." It had all finally clicked.

Hermione wanted to slink under the table. She was sure she'd be able to die of pure shame. She risked a glance upwards, and saw an empty chair. So he'd left. Well, she shouldn't be surprised…

With a sigh, she stood up, turned around, and almost screamed at the sight of Draco Malfoy, hand extended, standing awkwardly behind her. "Dammit Draco!" She put a hand to her heart; it was hammering wildly, and she assumed it was from the shock. She was most certainly not going to think about silky soft platinum blond locks falling across clear silvery eyes. "Don't do that!" He smiled—well, it was more of an amused smirk, but there was a definite smileyness to it—and let his hand drop to her arm. There was only so much shame you could endure in one day, and that was it for Hermione. She pushed his hand off her arm with a temper that surprised even herself. "I've had enough of being manipulated and set up for complete and utter humiliation today! First Harry and Ron, with their 'You should see how he looks at you, Hermione,' and 'He's really a decent guy,' and now you and your damn hair and your damn eyes and your damn, damn pretty-boy smile!"

Hermione thought over what she'd just said and decided that it would be a very good idea to be very, very quiet.

"They said that?"

She nodded mutely.

"And did you say you liked my hair and eyes and smile?"

She shook her head vehemently.

"So does that mean you won't go with me to Hogsmeade after all?"

She started to shake her head, then tried to turn it into a nod, and finally settled for immobility. Draco was staring at her intently…those eyes could put a hypnotist out of business, she privately decided.

"Come on, Hermione. It won't kill you to say something."

"It very nearly did today," she muttered. "Anyway, now I've had quite enough mortification, thank you very much. I'll just run along and perform a couple of Avada Kedavras," she concluded. She started to push past him, but he grabbed her arm with Seeker's reflexes.

"What?" she snapped.

He sighed, and for a moment Hermione was entirely fascinated by how adorable he looked when he did that. In the most evil-Slytherinish way possible, of course.

"Will you go to Hogsmeade with me? Say yes or no. It's not that complicated."

"I thought you didn't want to ask me out! You said you hadn't talked to Harry or Ron."

"I didn't. But that doesn't mean I don't want you to accompany me to Hogsmeade. I was going to ask you anyway—I was even planning to arrange an opportunity next week—but, well, now's as good a time as any." He grinned, and every female in the library melted.

"All right, then." Hermione said as coherently as she could.

* * *

"Do you think it makes me look more intimidating if I take off my glasses, Ron?" Harry asked, holding aforementioned glasses by the left lens.

"Harry," Ron said gently, "That's Seamus. I'm over here."

Harry resignedly put his glasses back on, after a rather half-hearted attempt to wipe the fingerprints off.

Dean beat Seamus at Exploding Snap for the sixth time in a row and looked up. "Watch out—here comes herself. Er, Seamus and I will just trot along to the dormitories now…"

"Oh, no you don't," said Harry firmly. "Ron and me need you for emotional support. All for one and one for all, House loyalty, and all that sort of thing, right?"

"Nope, sorry," said Seamus, sweeping up the cards. "You're on your own here. Bye!"

The escaped just as Hermione burst into the room. "Harry James Potter! Ronald Whatever-Your-Middle-Name-Is Weasley!"

"What is your middle name, anyway?" Harry asked Ron.

"Bilius," Ron mumbled, turning red.

Harry stared at him incredulously. "Bilius?"

"My mum's idea. I'm just glad it's my middle name and not my first."

"Bilius Ronald Weasley…Bill…Billy-Bil-Billers…" Harry said thoughtfully. "It's got a certain ring to it."

"Shut up, Harry."

"STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!" Hermione scowled blackly at them, and they cowered appropriately.

"Eep," said Ron.

Harry nudged him and whispered, "We're in trouble—she's gone caps-locky."

"But we will be brave!" Ron muttered back.

"Courage in the face of caps-lock!"

"Onward, comrades!"

"We will not yield!"

"Never!"

At which point they began to wave their arms and sing some dreadful battle hymn that neither knew all the words to.

"STOP THAT THIS INSTANT!"

They stopped.

"Er, sorry," said Harry.

"We got a bit carried away," said Ron.

Hermione massaged her temples. Why was it always so difficult with boys? She continued, in a deadly quiet tone. "You have humiliated me utterly and completely. You will pay. Good night."

"But it isn't even lunchti—ow!" Ron glared at Harry, who had just saved both of their lives by stomping on Ron's foot. Nervously, Harry watched Hermione's flight up the stairs, grinding his heel into Ron's foot absentmindedly until Hermione disappeared. Finally, Ron dislodged Harry by trying to kick The Boy Who Lived with his other foot, not succeeding, and tripping both of them.

Harry sat up and took off his glasses, looking dolefully at the almost opaque lens. "Ron, do you ever have days where you feel like you're just there for comic relief? That your life has no purpose? That you exist as a side entity, and aren't really the focus of the show?"

Ron snorted. "You're asking The Boy Who Lived's sidekick? That's rich, Harry. Anyway, who would the story be about, if it wasn't about you? Hermione?"

"Well," Harry pointed out, "I'm usually the only one who goes caps-locky. Now Hermione's gone and done it."

"Ah, but you provoked her into doing so!" Ron gave Harry a smug grin.

Enter Ginny, stage right, via staircase from girls' dorms. "You done with my boyfriend, Ron?"

"Boyfriend? BOYFRIEND?"

"Er, Ginny…" Harry glanced nervously between the Weasleys. "I hadn't actually mentioned that to Ron quite yet." At Ron's reproachful glare, he quickly added, "But I was going to! I just wanted to wait for the right time."

"Ah," Ginny said. "As in, not now. Oops. Well, I'll be seeing you both soon!"

Exit Ginny, stage right, via staircase to girls' dorms.

"We need to talk," said Ron.

* * *

11/07/04: Muahahaha! I am like unto a god, for I didst prophecy that Ron would have a ridiculous middle name before JKR said so! ...or perhaps I should be quiet now.


	3. Hogsmeade

Hermione had just reached her door when she heard Ginny's voice, calling for her to wait.

When Ginny did catch up, Hermione noted how eerily like Fred and/or George she looked at the moment.

"Why aren't you down there with Harry?" Hermione inquired idly.

"Apparently, he hasn't told Ron he's my boyfriend. I really don't think my presence is necessary down there right now. I'm sure Harry is perfectly able to handle it without my input," Ginny told her.

"Ah. And, coincidentally, you're out of firing range right now. So, what did you want?"

The Fred/George-ness in Ginny's expression manifested itself even more strongly. "You're going out with Draco, right?"

"Well-—not so much 'going out with' as—-"

"Right. Anyway, Harry and I are going to Hogsmeade next Hogsmeade weekend together, and I was thinking it would be fun to double date!"

"Does Harry know about this?"

"Not yet. Does it matter?"

"No." Hermione couldn't keep back a smile. "But you'll have to tell him eventually."

"I'll handle it. I don't think he'll object, anyway. So, what do you say?"

Hermione considered. She had actually been a bit worried about what she and Draco were going to do the whole day, and this way she could largely eliminate much of the awkwardness. And if, as Harry said, Draco was sort of kind of not really friends with him…

"Hermione? Are you still with me?" Ginny was looking up at her with a vaguely puzzled air. "You were spacing out, or something."

"Er, yes. Sure, I really don't see why not."

"That's settled, then. Just tell Draco about it some time."

There was the 'why not.' Hermione had absolutely no pleasant memories of conversing with the Slytherin. For the first six years, they'd traded insults, and the first and last actual talk they'd had, she had been completely humiliated. For which, of course, Harry and Ron were going to pay. But that wasn't the issue at hand.

"Um…all right, I'll do that."

"I can come along for emotional support," Ginny offered. "In fact, why don't we go do that now?"

And before Hermione knew it, she was trotting after Ginny in the direction of the Slytherin dungeons.

_Damn…how'd that happen?_

* * *

They found Draco quite easily; he was sitting in a corridor, leaning against a wall.

"He looks like he's asleep," Hermione whispered nervously. "Maybe we should just go away _right now_."

At the sound of her voice, however, he glanced up and brightened visibly. "Oh, hullo, Hermione."

"Draco," said Ginny, "you're grinning like an idiot. You've got it so bad. Hermione, see, that's how he looks at you when you're not watching him. Only more broodingly."

"I don't think 'more broodingly' is right," Hermione replied automatically. But she had to admit--Draco _was_ grinning, as Ginny put it, like an idiot.

"So," the boy in question drawled, "what brings two Gryffindors like yourselves to the big bad Slytherin dungeons?"

Ginny poked Hermione hard. Hermione briefly wondered if poking innocent people in the side was a Weasley thing that Harry had picked up or a boy thing that Ginny had picked up, then realized that it didn't matter because Ginny was expecting her to say something about double dating right about now.

"Um," she said. "I--er--Hogsmeade--Harry."

Déjà vu, much?

Draco seemed to be trying very hard to piece the sentence together. "You've decided to go to Hogsmeade with Harry instead of me?" he hazarded, silver eyes clouding with apprehension.

"No! I mean--um--Ginny?" What was it about arrogant blond prats that made her lose coherency?

Draco tried again. "You decided you don't actually fancy guys and are going to Hogsmeade with Ginny? And are possibly trying to set me up with Harry?"

Hermione took a deep breath and organized her thoughts. "No. Look, Ginny and Harry are going to Hogsmeade together and Ginny thought it would be a good idea to double-date."

"Oh!" He brightened again. "So the date's still on? And you don't fancy either Ginny or Harry?"

"Yes and no, respectively." This coherency thing was getting easier.

"Great!" twinkled Ginny. "We'll just run along now. See you on Saturday, Draco!"

"See you, Hermione!" he called. As Ginny propelled Hermione back towards Gryffindor Tower, the latter caught a glimpse of Draco grinning cheerily...and rather idiotically.


	4. epilogue

Hermione supposed that things could be much worse. After all, she had an attentive and very attractive date, two of her best friends, and a mug of butterbeer, all within a five-foot radius. Then again, if she had simply not woken up this morning, she wouldn't be burning with embarrassment while Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley snogged enthusiastically and Draco Malfoy kept glancing over at her hopefully.

"So, um, Draco," she began. He looked even more hopeful. It was a really maddeningly adorable look on him. "I, um, what's, er, your favorite class?" Ooh, smooth, Hermione. Lovely and coherent.

Draco looked rather disappointed. "That isn't some sort of lead-in to telling me you want to shag me senseless, is it?"

And Hermione thought she couldn't get any redder.

Draco Too-Bloody-Blunt-For-His-Own-Good Malfoy sighed. "I didn't think so. I really like Arithmancy, but I find Potions fascinating too. Might consider a career in Potions, actually."

Potions, potions, beautiful beautiful change of subject! Hermione would forever worship that noble art. "But so many potions have been replaced by charms or spells nowadays, it hardly seems worth it to plan one's life around an already disintegrating subject."

Draco smirked. "They'll never replace potions. After all, most witches and wizards consider potions more trustworthy than wandwork."

"Ah, but that seems very likely to change in the near future, don't you think? I'm not saying that potions will become unnecessary, but just consider the advantages of replacing a potion with a spell..."

They actually had an interesting conversation about the relevancy of Potions to the modern wizarding world that Hermione thoroughly enjoyed. She loved Harry and Ron, she really did, but their idea of an intelligent conversation never, ever involved anything but Quidditch. It got on a girl's nerves after a while. Draco, on the other hand, was quite fluent in Hermione-speak, as Ron called it. All in all, Hermione was having a lovely day.

That is, until Harry and Ginny decided to ditch the whole double-date idea and go somewhere private to, um, 'chat.' Hermione really, really had no desire whatsoever to know what they were doing. But Harry and Ginny would pay dearly for leaving poor, defenseless Hermione alone with the evil, incredibly hot Slytherin. And a whole host of uncomfortable silences.

"Um," Hermione said.

"Yes. Well," Hermione said.

"Er," Hermione said.

"Oh, bloody hell," Draco said, and leaned in to kiss her.

By the time the Harry and Ginny found them again, Draco and Hermione were considerably more rumpled.

"Oh, I see you've gotten over that awkward conversational rut," said Ginny. Harry grinned and poked Draco.

"Ouch," Draco told him irritably. "Do not poke me again, or suffer the Wrath of the Malfoys."

"Be nice, Draco," Hermione said mildly. "I think poking people is a Weasley thing. It happens, and you can't avoid it."

Harry looked vaguely puzzled. "But I'm not a Weasley."

"Not yet, anyway," Ginny murmured, shooting Hermione a wink.

The Boy Who Lived To Be Incredibly Oblivious said "Huh?"

"Never mind, Harry," sighed Hermione. "Come on, everybody. All dates are now officially over."

"No good-bye kiss?" Draco pouted.

"Prat," Hermione said.

"But a very kissable prat," he pointed out.

"Oh, all right."

Hermione supposed that things could be much worse.

* * *

A/N: I think this fic's pretty much finished. I mean, what else is there to write? And this seems as good a place as any to end. So...adios y'all, and remember that Leather and Libraries is the only way to ship!


	5. afterwards

Set a few years later and originally intended as a standalone cookie until I decided it would do as an epilogue, considering the rather unfinished nature of this fic. Upon reflection, I realize that the style is inadvertently based on Lyra Silvertongue2's WIP 'Trick Stair' at Lovely fic.

* * *

"What in the name of Gryffindor are you up to?"

Shudder. "Not in the name of Gryffindor, Hermione. Never in the name of Gryffindor."

"Honestly, you can be so _childish_ sometimes. All right, in the name of Slytherin then."

"Much better."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"What are you up to?"

"Why do you think I'm up to something?"

Exasperated sigh. "You took me out to a French restaurant, which is something you _never_ do--you hate French restaurants, Draco, and don't even try to deny it. Now you dragging me out here to watch the sunset, another thing you don't like because it's too silly and sentimental and you don't see what's so special about sunsets anyway. You said that just a few days ago, remember? I'm not entirely oblivious. What are you up to?"

"Um...don't you like it?"

"So you're trying to get on my good side? Wait, did you have another row with Harry and Ron?"

"No! I mean, yes. I mean, I didn't do anything! I just--thought you'd like it."

"Mm-hmm. Draco, you never do anything without an ulterior motive."

"...what about falling in love with you?"

"Love you too. But you're not getting off the hook that easily."

"Look, Hermione, I'll tell you. Just not right now."

"So you admit you _are_ up to something?"

"Yes! Now shut up and watch the bloody sunset!"

"Right, I watched the bloody sunset. Now will you tell me?"

Groan. "You weren't supposed to figure anything out, you know. You were supposed to fall prey to my irresistable charm and be swept off your feet."

"Draco..."

"But no, Miss Granger had to get all defensive and analytical and suspicious. What about the famous Gryffindor 'leap-before-you-look' attitude?"

"Draco, I'm warning you..."

"Oh, all right."

Nervous. "...what are you doing?"

"Do you remember about two weeks ago, when I asked you that hypothetical question?"

"You ask me lots of hypothetical questions."

"The one I asked you when you were sorting out those forms about rampaging Nifflers or something?"

"Yes...I was trying to work, and you kept bugging me about my ideal proposal."

"Oh my god."

"Knew we'd get there sometime this year. Hermione Granger, will you marry me?"

"Hmm...let's see. You're rich, handsome, and charming. Sounds pretty good to me."

Apprehensive. "Is that a yes?"

"Draco Malfoy, you adorable idiot. Of course it's a yes."

"And would you marry me even if I was a Weasley?"

Confused. "A Weasley?"

"You said I was rich, handsome, and charming. I was asking if you'd marry me even if I wasn't."

"Insulting my friends isn't exactly the way to win my heart."

"But you love me anyway."

Mock sigh. "Sad but true."

"So you are marrying me after all?"

"Draco, I already said I was."

"Oh, good. Does that mean I can get up off my knees now? Because the grass is sort of wet."

* * *

Right then, I'm really done now.


End file.
